Day 69: Six Reasons Why Groundhogs Are Evil

Since moving to Georgia, I have on more than one occasion crossed paths with the terrifying plump furry little burrow digging creatures. It's really my only regret about moving up here; having to share the same red turf with these furry nightmare beings. Here are seven reasons why I abhor these cat-sized rodents.  



1. The Black Eyes and Vacant Stare

The Great White Shark and the Groundhog has something in common. It's the black dead-eyed stare of a man-eating predator. This is probably one of the main issues I have with groundhogs (well and manatees too if I'm being honest). Their coal colored pupiless eyes are designed to strike fear into anyone considering themselves to be a human. 



2. The Terrifyingly Insidious Teeth

Like all rodents, the groundhog's teeth are continually growing. That's creepy enough for me, but no they smile at you as you drive or walk by. Showing their hideous fangs as a threat. There's just so much not right with that.



3. The Ability to Predict the Future

They have magical abilities that seem to have entranced certain humans into believing that they can accurately predict future weather patterns. Once again, I think the cold black stare is imbued with certain hypnotic powers. Even if that's not the case, then the idea that they actually can tell the future is equally as terrifying. I don't want no magic over-sized rodent psychic living in my back yard. No thank you!    



4. The Way Their Fat Little Bodies Stand, Motionless

They love to sit by the road, like fat furry little bowling pins and watch spitefully as you drive by in your car. They're just waiting for you to break down so that can exact their revenge for their fallen brethren that litter the roadsides of our great state.


5. The Sound They Make 

Apparently a nickname for these living nightmares is a "whistle pig". Really? That's what you're gonna call them? They don't even look like pigs. Well, maybe if you shaved one, but that's the last thing you want to do to one of these critters. It could go poorly for you. No I guess they call them that because of the terrible whistling sound they make. The last thing I want to hear when I'm out walking is a whistling sound now. If I hear that I'm running!



6. They Will Survive Through The Apocalypse

Groundhogs and incredibly immune to most diseases and sicknesses. So when the bubonic plague rears its ugly head, all that will be left in the world is Twinkies, cockroaches and groundhogs. Planet of The WHISTLING PIGS YALL!!!! 



That is all